I saved the title for this post more than a month ago with the intent of telling all of you that it was time to give up the ghost. Some of you that haven't heard this phrase before this is how wiktionary defines it:
- (intransitive, idiomatic) To cease clinging to life; to die. [quotations ▼]
- (intransitive, idiomatic, figuratively) To quit; to cease functioning.
- My old computer finally gave up the ghost the other day.
- (intransitive, with of) To cede a commitment to or identification with. [quotations ▼]
As many of you know this blog started during a time that I was having some of heart related issues with my training. When I visited my cardiologist one day I decided to document not only my issues, but also the fact that I was fighting something that had affected my family for years. Something that even factoring in genetics could be improved with lifestyle, and that even a terminally short, formally fat guy named Keebler could be fit and healthy.
While all along hoping that I could inspire others to quit accepting the fallacy that if we aren't sick we are healthy. I have always believed that too many things have fallen in place for this not to be a path that God has put me on, and if any thing I said or have written here has helped one person then it has been all worth it.
Then along the way I think that I started to believe that if I didn't keep surpassing my last goal, race distance, or whatever other stupid way to measure ourselves then I was giving others a reason to quit. I know that it sounds slightly koo koo, or maybe a lot koo koo.
Now I am sure all of this has been a form of therapy for me to try to come to grips with the loss of my Dad unexpectedly from heart issues. I still hate that he wasn't able to be here to see my kids and my sister's son grow up. I still hate that I can see pain in my Mom's eyes even after 7 years.The reality is that many times after going through something life altering you have to accept a new kind of normal. You have to learn to fight in a different way.
That acceptance of that new normal can either be a starting off point to something greater, or it can be an anchor. Now since I was in the hospital in May I have started to write about what was going on several times, but since I kept waiting until the message was what I thought you would expect to be written. You know we all love that come back story, but when you are dealing with something as finicky as a human body you can't force the outcome. I am slowly starting to learn that sometimes the fight has to change even if the reason doesn't change.
Slight excerpt from what training has been like for the last few months:
Released to train again:
Start slow and take it easy
Feeling good and starting to test myself on a few intervals, and they feel great.
I am even running at paces I haven't done before!
Feeling sick and energy levels suck! Take a day off.
Better time to start back. Runs feeling good.
Sick and I can barely keep my eyes open. I am so tired! Writing this sentence has made me tired.
Take time off to recover.
Feeling good again. Time to start again.
Energy levels are down again.
Sick again! Time to rest.
I think that you are getting the point!
Now those of you that know the usual training levels I have done over the years this is no where near that, but I did go by all the regular standards of building back exercise levels very slowly. I have really been striving to not get injured or have any other setbacks.
Still this same pattern has gone on since I was in the hospital, and being brutally honest I have barely had the energy to get through most days. When you feel like that there is very little left to be good in the other parts of your life. So I know I haven't been the best husband or the best Dad, and none of this matters if those parts of my life can't be met.
During this time I am looking around my circle of friends, and like many of you, I don't have to look far for some people going through some real serious shit in their lives. So my first thought is I can't write and bitch about putting my body through hell, and then come on here and grip when it won't do what I want it to anymore. That is when my first time I started to ask the question, maybe it's time to give up the ghost? Is it?
Well nearly at the same time that these thoughts were going through my mind a few other things happened.
First, my friend Jerred asked me to meet with an engineer from Texas Tech, Luciano Castillo, who was developing some devices for the healthcare industry and they needed someone that had completely gone from one side of the health scale to the other to be part of their team. That first meeting started to light a fire that I believed had burned out. Not to mention I have been able to join a group of folks that are so inspiring, because of all of the things they are trying to do to help people. More on this in another post.
Second, I started working with a doctor to help work on my immunity and exhaustion. During one of those meetings after telling him that maybe I needed to quit writing and that maybe my passion to help others had run it's course. He said, "Maybe this season that you are in is God's way of showing others they can't quit working on their own health."
Finally, I was contacted by a couple of old friends, Gary Schwantz and Jennifer Sedia, who wanted to meet. That meeting turned into another very inspiring talk on what we do to inspire and motivate people to be healthier.
I am forgetting many other instances that have happened over the last few months. The main reason is that I was trying to focus on how crappy things were for me. Then feeling bad because I have friends that are in their own bad situations, and I really don't feel that I should even be bitching. Expect the difference is that for who I was nine years ago to who I am now is that I know what good should feel like.
Not all things have been exhausted and bad the last few months. I actually have had some fantastic runs with friends and some really nice beers. All of these years I have only trained by myself, and really needed that time for reflection and prayer. Now I have started to run with my friend Jerred, and I really have come to appreciate running with no purpose than to hang out. Some days we talk about heavy stuff, and other times are just for talking complete nonsense.
The good weeks are starting to last a little longer every time. Right now I am in one of the down phases, but instead of training through it I am just trying to get healthy. The good has been good enough that Susan and I are even going to race with a team in Texas Independence Relay, but more on that in another post. I might not be what I think that I should be for that, but I am really trying to be smart and find that balance again.
I was used to always trending up, and instead I have gone through some pretty severe ups and downs. That is life! We all have our issues and troubles. Trying to compare those will never do any of us any good. We need to try to be there when we can for each other. As long as we can do good in the world, and I am not talking about huge things. Just simple things things like trying to smile at someone when you walk by them in the hall, maybe trying to actually listen to someone without looking at your phone, asking for help and trying not to handle it all, or just stopping our loud lives and listening to what God might be trying to say to you.
This week I have been listening to Joy Week on the Bobby Bones show, and for those that don't listen it is real simple. It is just a week that they try to put as much joy as they can out the world. With hope that it will slowly blank out all the bad shit that permeates everything else. As long as their is this kind of fight going on, we all should keep fighting in our own way. My way of fighting might be a little different, but it's not over yet.
So put a smile on your face and don't even think about giving up the ghost!
In the spirit of pimpinjoy,
Keebler
I am inspired by many people and things daily, but for awhile now I have heard some good preaching through J.J. Grey. Even if you don't hear the same message that I do keep searching for what will inspire you.
EVERY MINUTE - J.J. Grey
I tried so hard to be the person
everybody thought I was
I pushed myself and everyone
almost over the edge
This mirrored light that sends back
everything that you send out
The grace you give, given back
loving every minute you live
Every Minute - J.J. Grey Video
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