Sunday, August 30, 2015

The Up Side of Down

These last few months have been interesting, and by interesting I mean a struggle. First I must confess that I haven't done all of the things that I should to help myself heal up. Part of this is because we went on vacation and I finally was feeling good. So I tried to keep faking that I was bouncing right back, and I knew that I wasn't.

St. Petersburg, Florida

I thought I was starting to feel good enough to really think about training again. Not just working out but actually training. Then I started to learn that this was a fleeting feeling. One minute I feel like the guy that can wake up and go run for 6-10 miles without thinking about it then the next moment I feel like I can barely move I am so tired.

Regardless, since I developed this extreme case of Rhabdo from a workout I did on Memorial Day I have been finally released from my doctors care. The last 2 rounds of blood work checking my CK levels have been in the normal range, and that is with me starting to run again. Since I have had constant fatigue he did check a few other things this last round, and found that I was severely deficient in vitamin D. So with a little supplementation I am feeling a little better, but it is still evident my recovery is going to be very slow.

I haven't really wanted to update any of you, because this hasn't been the only struggle going on. It actually has seemed like it has been one thing after another for over a year now. As usual when I struggle I look around and can see so many other people that are going through "real" struggles, and I feel ridiculous talking about what really are such small things.

If I really wanted to bare my soul this feeling has been going on for quite some time. I have been pushing every part of my life to the limits for a long time, and if it wasn't for this rhabdo I probably wouldn't have ever taken a true step back from the edge.

The edge is really where I found the title for this post, because you have to be on the "Down side of Up" to really know the "Upside of Down." The "down side of up" can look many different ways to many different people. It can be an addiction, grief, pain, sickness, or any of the many other things that makes us not be able to see outside of our own existence. We become consumed with ourselves even if we don't realize it.

I was burned out from life. I could talk all day about balance to people, but I wasn't doing it. I was just trying to survive near the break point. Then your kid gets sick, then you get another deadline at work, then you get sick, and on and on.....

I knew that I wasn't being the best husband, best Dad, or best anything but I didn't know how to get things back in order. Then everything just stopped. A week in the hospital has a way of doing that for you. I had to quit trying to control everything, and quit feeling like I was failing at everything.

A close friend of mine that worries more about my soul than I think I do gave me a copy of The Gospel of Mark study book by William Barclay. These were part of what Mr. Barclay wrote to help decipher Mark 5:14-17. These words were printed in 1955, but for me they have been as relevant now as I am sure they were then.

There is great deal of talk about what life owes us. Life owes us precisely nothing; the debt is all the other way around. It is we who owe life all that we have to give. We are followers of one who gave up the glory of Heaven for the narrowness of earth, who gave up the joy of God for the pain of the cross. It is human not to want to have our comfort disturbed; it is divine to be willing to be disturbed that others may have more.

William Barclay

Since my Dad died I have had a version in my head of what he wanted me to be, and I probably will never measure up to that version. The thing is that when I slowed down I realized that the man he wanted me to be was just someone that was always trying to be better. Someone that was putting out as much good in the world as he could. Fortunately, he and I both married women that live lives that are perfect examples of this.

I had to realize that my worth didn't matter how far I ran, how much I made, how many people that I tried to inspire.

Now I can't tell you when the exact moment happened that I realized that I was on the "Upside of Down," but I do know that one day I was comforted with the fact that I was on a long slow road for my recovery. I hadn't felt like fighting for sometime, and I sure couldn't encourage anyone else to fight for their health.

Slowly, I remembered how much I loved to fight. I remembered how much I loved to encourage others to fight. I forgot that inspiration comes from everywhere in our world we just have to be open to seeing it, and even more comes from us putting more good out there.

I really don't know if any of you are still out there reading, and that some Google robots aren't the ones adding to my numbers. If any of you are still out there then please stick around. Who knows if this road to recovery will have me on a start line again, or if I will ever be at the fitness I was before. I promise that as long as one of you are checking in then I know that there is still a fight to fight.

There are still people wanting to fight to be healthier.

Life owes us nothing, but as long as we are breathing we owe life everything. Go be healthy and smile at someone. You will either scare them or make their day. Either way it will make one or both of you happy :)


P.S. Sadly, my first training partner passed away since I started writing this post. He will be always be more to me than a dog, he was my friend. See you when I get to the happy hunting ground, old friend!

One of the little Keeblers and Gilmore a few years ago